Expectation – like a Termite

One of my very good college friends used to be very introvert and quiet kind of person. He would come across as a very mature person for his age then. He used to be in his little shell all the time, doing great things that he wanted to do very quietly, not worrying about people around him.

Even if people would give him hard time, he wouldn’t say anything. He would ignore them and move on happily. If it’s his birthday, he won’t care whether anybody would wish him or not. He would even forget to wish you on your birthday. If he wishes you - you are lucky, he would not bring any gifts and the list goes on. But, yes, if you ask him for help, he would be the one who is always ready, always there for you, by your side. That was the best part of his friendship.

He would never share how he feels about something that is going on around him. At times, I would think I don’t know him. But I will always share all my worries and happy thoughts with him. Many times I would share with him incidents that I hid deep down in my heart. While reciting those happenings to him, I would cry. He would not interrupt me a word, he would not tell me that it’s OK, things will be fine. He would let me cry as much as I wanted. He would hear me out and would say only one thing at the end, “That is why I say never expect anything from anyone, and then you will never be disappointed.”

Thirteen years back, I couldn’t be like him, no matter how hard I tried.  It bothered me what other people said especially if they said or did something that was not according to my expectations.

First few times when I heard it from him, my eyes were wide open, the tears stopped rolling down and I wondered, “What is he saying? I don’t get it.”

Almost a decade later, after getting hurt million times, shedding God knows how many tears, at times screaming and yelling in loneliness, I have realized that my friend was so right. Whenever I expected something from someone it always ended up disappointing me. I was the one who was hurt the most. Person at the other end never cared so much. If I was disappointed, I couldn’t speak up about it. I ended up screaming at beloved people in my life including my mom, husband (the most) and kids sometimes.

I feel expectation is like termite. How termite has wood-eating habits that damages any wooden furniture it lays its hands on. In similar ways, the expectation has peace-eating habits that in turn spoils and damages your relationships. I don’t want my peace of mind be eaten by stupid expectation. I have taught myself to not to expect from anyone as much as possible.

It was not easy. It cost me many sleepless nights, countless number of tears, racing heart, screaming and yelling vocal cord, some fights with people around me, some fights with myself and many years.

But finally, I am on my way to not to expect. I am not 100% there yet, but I feel it is close enough. Every time I see myself making U-turn from it, I remind myself of the verse in Bhagawad Gita

Karmanye Vadhikaraste, Ma phaleshou kada chana 

It means you have the right to perform your actions, but you are not entitled to the fruits of the actions. In other words don’t expect anything just keep performing your actions.

Magic Hug

Yesterday morning, my 5 year old woke up with a sad face and expressed, “Mommy, I feel so nervous”.

“Why, Shona”, I asked in baby voice.

“I don’t know mommy”, he said.

Instantly, I picked him up in my lap and said, “You know what, mommy knows how to make you feel better.”

I took him in my lap. I hugged and cuddled him very tight, as if, to never let him go. By this time he had started saying, “Mommy, you are choking me. My neck hurts”.

Then I said, “This is mommy’s hug. That would spell its magic and you would feel so fresh”.

I saw a smile was making its way on his face. Then I landed few kisses on him and asked him to hug me tight in return.

A few moments later, he was all happy and merry. He jumped out of the bed with gleaming eyes and said, “Mommy, you were right. You really have magic hug. Where did you get it from?”

“It’s magic, every mom has it”, that's all I said

Research shows that hugging is extremely effective at healing sickness, disease, loneliness, depression, anxiety and stress. Hugs can boost the oxytocin level, which heals loneliness, isolation, and anger. Also the more you give, the more you get it back J

My weekend started with giving a magic hug and I want to end it by giving a magic hug as well.

So here is a big magic hug to all my favorite peeps out there.